The following has been c+p from my weightwatchers blog entry from last night…. because I felt it was so important in my weight loss journey to admit this out loud.
“I don’t know why but lately I’ve been having a lot of “life thoughts”… ever since my 5k, it is like the blinkers have been taken off and now I can SEE LIFE in technicolour. I never realised how much I boxed myself in, because of my weight, in so many ways limiting what I can and cannot do. I used to be quite studious so I have often thought about “excelling myself academically” (she says without sounding like a complete geek) but even that I always thought my size would make me hit a “glass ceiling”. There are so many other things I wouldnt do , even now, because of my weight. I wouldn’t sing karaoke, I wouldn’t go to a theme park, I wouldn’t do any sports what so ever. I wouldn’t wear a swim suit. I wouldn’t go on an activity based holiday.
What has been so bizzarre is that instead of feeling this is my fat lot in life and I just got to plod along, the race for life has taught me that ANYTHING is possible and my body is capable of SO MUCH. It is not like I want to go bungee diving tomorrow, but it certainly is leaning that way! Before, probably more because of peer pressure I felt that having children was the be all and end all of my existence – but actually I have started to realise in a very strong way that I want to do SO MANY things before, or even instead of, having children.
It is like the 5k and pushing myself physically and emotionally has given me an insight into what it could feel like to be a fit fab female! to be strong and to be healthy and to be confident and happy. I suddenly have urges to run, AGAIN, properly run this time though in 5ks, 10ks, hell even hall a marathon – or even the London/NYC Marathon – why not?!?! the old me would have been like “erugh let me just get the car” but now – it is like I have a thirst for life that I had lost. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever had this kind of active zest – ever.
wow!…. i think I really needed to say that out loud!
I just really want to commit to my weightloss journey now in a big way. I realise a lot of all this is about control. Control at work. control in my personal life. control with my food… and I know, we cannot control everything, but that isn’t an excuse to throw our hands in the air and say c’est la vie lets eat those doughnuts then!”
bit of a revelation… a bit of a lot of a revelation me thinks!
I am feeling a bit groggy and lethargic this morning. It is like no sleep is enough sleep at the moment, and I’m not sure why. My OH is away, which I think does impact my mood (he will be back today, yay I miss my best friend) and also i have noticed i have been eating more carbohydrates in the last 24 hours (croissant, cupcake, chocolate, spaghetti, an individual pie) which is not awful but it is very different to my usual diet these days (more remiscient of the “old me”) and maybe that is what is making my energy levels low followed by short bursts of energy? interesting… ! i did not realise my body would react so much to reverting back to my old days. Maybe it is also the crazy Hot weather in London and the pollen count because I feel like my hayfever is back.
Anyways I’m on a mission to clean up my diet, clean up my plate, and clean up my life a bit. I feel a bit disordered and out of control at the moment, with a lot of deadlines and stress which causes me to make bad choices. Something I believe in very much is that every day, yet, every MEAL is our CHOICE. we have an opportunity at each meal to turn it around! just because you had a cupcake at 3pm, doesn’t mean the rest of the day is “ruined” and you have “failed” your weightloss journey! sounds silly but myself and many others I know follow that ethos without even realising it.