I was feeling a bit blue all week my self esteem had taken a bit of a tumble and i wasn’t sure why exactly – until now. I haven’t exercised all week. All i have been doing is eating, sleeping, studying and grumbling.
I decided to pick myself up, tear myself away from my messy desk and get in my running skins and go to the gym, and I can’t even begin to explain the wonders it did for me! a mere 35 minutes of stretching and sweating. It was quiet and I decided instead of punishing myself I would just have some fun. I got on the treadmil and decided to walk a steady huffy pace of 6km/hr but every minute increase the gradient. I got up to 6% which was like walking up quite a steep hill, and then graded myself back down again. I did the same on the bicycle aswell, up the revs up to 10 and back down again… it worked up a sweat! it was a pleasure to feel *alive*
I realise that sometimes I see everything as “a task” a “goal” a thing up there to jump higher and higher for, forever onto the next, ever highly achieving but never really basically appreciating. I don’t want to warble on this blog too much but it has occurred to me this week as I’ve tried to take more mental “time outs” from my busy life and reflect, pray, and meditate that I seem to be running on this never ending treadmil – with my career, with my weightwatchers, with my life.
Where is the endpoint? and do I deserve happiness now? or am I only “allowed” it once I reach goal and pass all my exams.
I realise that this is a turbulent period in my life. Postgraduate exams are not easy and it requires a lot of mental focus, determination and sometimes just luck. Losing weight isn’t easy either, it requires the same qualities as passing exams in many respects – and started both journeys in parrallel at the same time 18months ago.. and of course i have to “complete both in the shortest time humanly possible” – (scoff) – no pressure then!!!
Oprah talks about transformations – and that all the successful people she has seen over the years truly transform themselves have done so from the inside out. She describes a mental change, a “switch clicking”, that takes them into another zone. It is easy to look sorted on the outside at goal – but if those habits have not changed within, then you will tumble straight back to the original weight and more. in that respect, eventhough my weightloss has been PAINFULLY slow, I am thankful I have not crept back to my original weight, which could easily have happened believe me.
I realised today that I AM capable. I CAN get to goal and I CAN pass my exams. If man can walk on the moon and fly in the air then I can definitely do these things! I just have to believe in myself and also be kind to myself – stop jumping to get to the next place but start jumping for JOY.
I have realised that I have subconciously been living my life recently thinking that my life will “begin” once I’ve reached my goal weight, passed my exams, bought a house, off medication and have had a baby. I’ve been feeling so weighed down by the expectations I have placed on myself. Yes life will be simpler and probably sweeter once i have achieved all those wonderful dreams, but life starts NOW. RIGHT NOW. I have realised that my life is really at this moment in time about weight watchers, about studying for higher education and about getting my body on track again, and about enjoying my youth.
Sorry for the rant guys
The morale of the story is start living your life RIGHT NOW.
Don’t WAIT until goal to have fun!
As if fate I just found this song on you tube, and it really spoke to me. It pretty much summarises how I’m feeling right at this moment in time about living life. Live if you really want to
have a wonderful and blessed weekend, lovelies