I didn’t weigh in today at weightwatchers. Things have been really busy, and I had a bit of a horrible 24 hours and was feeling so tired & drained from it all, the last thing I needed was someone to tell me what I already know that I have gained. I am going to on Friday Morning though, both this week and next hopefully.
I have been thinking a lot about self esteem and self sabotage. I was/am 3 lb away from my mini goal but I seemed to spiral out of control on the lead up to weigh in day. After a long period (for me) of being quite sorted and in control in the food department, I seemed to have taken a nose dive back to the “old me”. I realised that self sabotage relates subconciously back to the primal beliefs of not being good enough, or not deserving this (being “thin” I suppose) or even fearful of what “thin” will bring.
I’m approaching the “smallest I have ever been on weightwatchers and my adult life” that I can remember, a size 16, yet this same size is my unpenetratable wall. I can dream but really I have no idea what life is like on the other side of the clothes rail. I don’t know how my friends will react, whether it will change my career, whether my husband will like me more/less/indifferent. I don’t actually know who I will be or what I will be like at goal – and I think I’m afraid of that uknown. I think it is the unknown that leads to self sabotage = safety. I like to believe that everything will be sparkling and positive and nothing can go wrong when you are a size 10 – but I’m not so nieve.
I have friends ranging from a size 6 to 26, but all of them, at some point have had self esteem and body issues. It is like this unspoken viral disease that no one really talks about, nor knows what exactly to do with it. There is no magic pill or quick fix – and I worry that I will be at goal but still believing I’m not pretty… that makes me feel so sad. I know its great to have a relationship, family and friends that love and care for you – it certainly helps – but confidence has to come from within you, and it is something you need to find for yourself.
I’m losing weight and I should be proud of myself – but recently I’ have realised that my self esteem is still lurking in the waters of the size 20/22 me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m much better then I was. I can now set foot in a gym and do other things I dreaded when I was bigger, but there are still things I struggle with now. I look back at all the relationships in my life, and I realise that since my teens my self esteem hasn’t been fantastic, and has impacted the way I live my life, and, of course, my relationship with food. I’m not sure which came first – the weight then the self esteem, or is it the low self esteem that pushed me to put on weight?
I just want to feel in control again, and also make efforts to boost my self confidence as well as track my points… because I’m starting to realise that just because the clothes start to get smaller, it doesn’t mean that the issues with self esteem automatically dissappear too.
I know it will take time, and a lot of patience on my part and unconditional love from me to me, all day long. The thought of “loving myself always” is wierd to me – I am overly critical on myself and I need to treat myself better. Even when I mess up, even when I self sabotage and especially when I’m not “perfect” with my weight loss journey.
I have decided to take everyday as it comes, a “one day diet” ethos. I hope that with more practice in loving myself and being kinder to myself, I will be kinder to my gut too and hopefully start to respect myself more and treat my body as a temple, not as a rubbish bin. I want to make the effort to go to the gym/exercise in the morning and make healthier choices – not because I have to but because I WANT to.
do you suffer with self esteem/confidence issues?
what kind of things do you do to tackle it?