It’s just been one of those days, and at the end of it I realise I don’t handle stress vey well – or, more precisely I do, just on myself. I thought my boss’s “constructive” criticism didn’t mean much to me until I realised that after scoffing some not so great chocolate and popcorn, it does. I tallied the damage and its hardly anything – a chocolate bars worth of rubbish chocolate. That is what makes it worse it didn’t even taste worth it
Part of my job role involves working with people with eating disorders from time to time and today I saw a woman who was so thin it made me feel hollow inside. Her Abdomen was slimmer then My ringbinder. I am usually so upbeat and chatty but it was the quietest physical examination I have ever done. Utter silence. I broke it with “my its hot in here isn’t it?” To which she shook her head. Yes of course it isn’t for her, she has no body fat.
In my pursuit of thinness, I can’t help but feel something. I’m not sure what the emotion is, but it was unsettling enough for me to hurry home at 5pm and eat eat eat. I want to lose weight but not go over the edge, and from someone who never had control I’m starting to fear that I like the control too much. Is it worth it? Is my quest trivial? Will I even get to make my goal weight and had a healthy BMi? The road ahead is unplanned and foggy – and yes – I’m just a little bit afraid and excited all st the same time. The fear of the unknown ( maybe that’s why I cannot see beyond a size 16- that’s the block)
Everyday I am constantly reminding myself why I’m doing this journey and forcing myself to ingrain the healthy habits that will one day be second nature but it is hard work swimming against the tide I have created for 20 odd years, going against everything that has been my “normal” – for years food has been my comforter, my friend, my fall back guy, my rebound….. Without food I am going to have to feel these emotions I would rather not, but that is okay because I’m feeling more and more real and more the “me” I have always known I was on the inside, unclouded by the plate in front of her.
Anyways – tomorrow is a new day, with new hope and new light
Tonight I will rest my heavy load and start my journey again in the morning
Ps. Why the olives ? Olives just happen to be my most favourite thing in the world – these delights were shot in Marrakech. It reminds me that food isnt wrong, evil “bad” of the beauties happiness snd memories that glorious foods can bring – after a long day this has put a smile on my face
It’s all about filling up life on the goodphats 🙂