Run your own race

well I write with good and bad news. Which goes first, thats the thing. Well lets go good – I passed my exam! the one I was talking about for what felt like forever, it was such a stumbling block in my career I just needed to get through that hoop and I FINALLY did it with focus, discipline, sacrifice and a LOT of hard work.

So that was the good news! I spent most of the week celebrating, burning the candle at both ends with long days at work and long nights of dinner and social festivities. Fair to say that I’m sooo exhausted, I’m not 18 anymore… I need a nap! i couldn’t be more happier that it is a weekend, and a long one at that.

initially I felt really amazing – like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders… but all is not over and I have the final viva type exam in the Autumn. Its still a lot to prepare for and its not completely in the bag *yet… but there certainly is light at the end of the tunnel.

The bad news though is my eating has been awful, erratic and just embarrassing. Partly to blame because I’m so burnt out, haven’t had the time or energy to meal prep or go gym, and been overworking myself, and am pre-menstrual-tensioning (sorry tmi) If there was any doubt about my emotional over-eating then those myths have been de-mystified. This week I have eaten because I’ve felt happy, scared, guilty, nervous, sad, frustrated, bored, stressed and exhausted. Practically every emotion under the sun. Not pretty.

I could write a whole sonnet on my foodie issues, but I don’t think this is the time or place and I worry that if I do indulge (excuse the pun) I might awake tomorrow with a carb hangover and regret the whole thing.

What I am going to say is that i’m better then this and I want better for myself. I find living a healthy lifestyle such a wonderful thing – I feel so good when I’m in control of my eating, when I’m fuelling myself with good things, when I’m being inspired and inspiring others to get up when you fall and to keep going.

I’m not going to be running a 10k tomorrow, or even next month. I’m not going to magically be eating tofu and sprouts anytime soon (hey anything is possible). I have changed so much, but sometimes, I realise I freak myself out – I stop myself from allowing myself to be who I really want to be, from reaching my real goals because I’m afraid of success. I settle for what I know, eventhough its bad for me, and all I need to do is take a leap, or jog, of faith in the UNknown….

Wow this is getting very philosophical for a health blog!…..

I guess this is my little plea to anyone that reads this to please help me keep going and keep trying.Have any of you been overweight/unfit and felt like you would never reach your goals/become an actual runner? I sometimes stop myself from achieving my goals because I don’t think I deserve it or “look like i belong to the fitcrowd”… but I know that is not true and I shouldn’t listen to that little negative voice of doubt. I need to learn to run my own race, and to continue take one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other… and if I do it, more days then not, I will get there.

So this is my line – line drawn – tomorrow I start again
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photo (40)

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4 thoughts on “Run your own race

  1. Sonja says:

    I know the feeling of sabotaging yourself because somewhere deep down you think you are not worth it or are very very afraid to fail very well. I have been living it the past year. But hey: WOW! You did something amazing!! You passed your exam! YAY! So things are evolving for you and that can be so scary even though it is a good thing, and then people like you and me – we eat. But we can always choose to draw that line and start again. That together with the notion of “progress over perfection” will help us from going bonkers (although I’m still working on that last one). XXX

  2. Laura Agar Wilson (@lauraagarwilson) says:

    Sorry for the delay in responding to this – I’ve just been catching up after my hols. I know someone that was overweight and never dreamed she be running – me! If I can do it so can you, never ever give up. Better to keep on trying and learning when you feel you have failed – because no failure is really a failure if you have learned something in the process. Sonja is spot on about the progress over perfection way of thinking 🙂

  3. Lucy @ Lucy On The Lookout says:

    Hello lovely, yet another big congratulations, squee! I hate the neverending treadmill of exams, but you’re right, there’s definitely an end in sight 😉 As for keeping going, I really do feel that you are on the right track – even from looking at your posts you have a lot of insight into the process and I think that really is the first step! As for being overweight/unfit – admittedly I’ve never been very overweight (but have had a BMI above the ‘normal range’) but have definitely felt unfit – I was always to ‘unsporty’ one in the family and amongst my friends, and even now I still battle with that label I gave myself when I was younger (as I didn’t want to be seen as caring about sport as I wasn’t good at it, so I just rejected it completely from my life!) as people don’t actually think it is possible for me to run… And my dad still thinks (seriously!) that he could race me and run. But I feel great for rejecting the rejection/sounds of failure and just doing what I enjoy and feeling healthy, and I know you can do it too 🙂 !

  4. ffionangharad says:

    I know I never thought I’d be a runner, and I still struggle with it sometimes. I’m not quite there yet, but when I started 3 years ago, 70 pounds heavier, I could barely run 30 seconds. I am now able to run for five minutes, so I’m making progress, as I’m sure you will too!

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