Just to warn you, this is a super long post, so put the kettle/french press on – its gonna be a bit of a read!
I know it has been a million years since I last blogged. The summer has been (and quite possibly gone), and although my schooldays are well and truly behind me, I’m feeling that nostalgia “new term” vibe (yes I was a total geek, loved going back to school in September!!) I’m one car journey away from filling up on new shiny stationary !
So what has been going on since i last blogged? I have, er, well, been losing weight! I don’t even know how, or why, or when things started to *click* (ok thats a lie, I sort of do, will talk about it a bit later) but it is fair to say something changed for me this summer, so I thought I would write about it!
Now I’m one that certainly knows its old friend self sabotage – I remember once upon a time I just had to sniff a “weight loss” tweet/post and it would send me into a ruin-everything-you-have-worked-for-binge. I have been wanting to blog more telling about my consistent losses this summer, but was worried it would “jinx” the magic? but now I feel I’m at a time and place I feel comfortable to talk about it!
So whats changed? well after a 3 lb gain about a month ago I had to face facts that things were not going as I planned. I had been doing weightwatchers for over 2+ years, and I just wasnt getting anywhere. I would yoyo up and down the same 10 lbs all year, and I just couldn’t get my head around it. I had become so jaded that i expected to gain every week, which isn’t cool! In the middle of this, I tried the whole “clean eating” inuitive eating thing, but just realised that my intuition leads me to the nut butter isle!
One of the problems i realised is that, in essence, I’m not a naturally skinny minnie, nor have I reached my goal weight. I’m not a size 8 yoga bunny drinking green juices or running half marathons for fun that can indulge in the finer “goodfats” in life… I couldn’t just eat what i wanted, because I had been trying that, and nothing was happening. In all honestly i have been “successfully maintaining” for 2 years! (see how I put a positive spin on that :P)
So here i was, a UK size 18 girl (16 on a good day, 20 on a bad) following amazing bloggers and instagrammers and twitterers who had been there, done that, lost the weight and bought the crop tshirt. I wanted to *be* like them, but I gradually realised that I have some work to do on my own until I can actually be the best version of myself who I wanted to be (which, by the way, is better than wanting to be like other people!) . I wasn’t looking to maintain my weight – I was (and am) looking to lose weight, and quite a lot of it to be honest! it also didn’t happen overnight, so I had to face facts that this is going to not just be a quick fix but the rest.of.my.life – my new adventure, my new journey.
It hit me like a wave that I had been in a kind of denial, and as someone phobic of the “d” word (ending in “-iet”, rhyming with pirate..) i never fully committed, nor wanted to admit I was dieting. I didn’t even tell my family or friends i had been doing weightwatchers or trying to lose weight – not even my mum! I was too cool for that. i was too “clean living” for that. I was too healthy community vogue for that. Sounds wierd but kinda true. Maybe it was pride, or embarassment, or ashamed – i don’t know –
Anyways – where was I
After blogging on my other blog about yet another gain I received some, lets say, constructive criticism. Depending how you look at it, it could be taken as snarks (which Lucy wrote in perfect detail about here ) but for me I knew it was some honest truth, and truth hurts! I am so thankful for all those comments, because It was the wake up call I needed –
either I actually commit to this weight loss malarky, or I count my losses and call it quits
it was that simple, really.
I took a full 24 hours to think about my options, you would think it would be easy to “choose health” but to be honest I was exhausted after years of “trying” (but not trying) and “failing” miserably. Did I have it in me to try again (again). I didn’t know.
I talked about it with my husband, and my closest friends. I put all my cards on the table, and I decided its now all or nothing. i liked and like weight watchers ethos – especially its filling and healthy programme (which essentially is eating clean healthy foods all day everyday without the need to weigh every gram) which i feel and know is more sustainable long term/life long and in keeping with my beliefs about food and eating. I also knew that when I made the efforts (those odd few weeks) it actually *worked* for me, which was enough for me to say to myself well what if I actually was disciplined enough to carry this through…. what if I actually did what i was supposed to do… just imagine!
So…. big breath…. I decided to recommit. I followed the plan to the letter, and cared about my daily limits (propoints allowance) and if I’m done for the day, I’m done. I thought of it as my “daily allowance” and put myself on a strict budget! (otherwise the banker will not let me pass Go or collect 200!) I worked out more consistently, focusing on my routine and pushing myself each and every workout. I tracked everything that touched my lips in my diary iphone app, and was honest with myself (yes nut butter
tea tablespoons do have calories)
Since I refocussed, and recommitted, I’ve found a strength and discipline I didn’t know i had. I’m actually really happy when I feel in control and disciplined, and prefer it so much more to the “free flow anything goes” style I had before.
Since I’ve recommitted less then 2months ago I’ve lost over a stone in weight, I’ve reached my 5% total weight loss goal and close to my 10% total body weight loss. I’m a mere 2 lb away from my lowest ever recorded weight (I never weighed myself before weightwatchers) All in one summer, which is more than I’ve done in 3 years. I’m losing on average 2-3lb a week consistently, which is something quite unbelievable, for someone that was gaining weight most weeks when “eating clean”! I’m addicted to instagram and proud of it ! I love posting foods I’m eating and workouts Im doing as well as seeing all you healthy lot shake your stuff – it inspires me endlessly when I’m flagging!
The most challenging thing has been focussed and disciplined to keep at this week in and week out, to be consistent, whatever life throws at me – night shifts, conferences, travel, weddings, parties, BBQs…. there are a million excuses … but there are 10 million reasons why I want this, and want it more than all the excuses known to (wo)man. The challenge has been to stay in control despite the waves tossing and turning me through lifes motions. I’m far from perfect, and I slip up all the time, but I try to laugh and love myself through my mistakes and keep moving on, living my life with the mantra
Progress, not Perfection
So…. thats kinda what I wanted to say! thats whats been on my mind all summer. I’ve fully accepted I have a lot of weight to lose, and I’m proud of my journey, and don’t compromise for NObody! I’m going in the right direction, and I’ve found a groove that I like and works for me. I can see my goals, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel – my goals are within my grasp and not some “imaginary fantasy” i told myself years ago.
There is so much I could say, but I will save that for another time..! If you have any questions, or thoughts or want some realtalk advice then please don’t be shy to comment below!
lots of healthy love