This is one of those late night, pre menstrual, pour out my feelings all over the floor kind of post (sans GIN)
…. don’t say I didn’t warn you… tea might be needed
So – basically. Yeah.
I’m at a weird place in my life. Its not unusual for me to get introspective in the lead up to Christmas (with the call of another Birthday and new year looming) I’m also going on a long break soon to Goa, where I will be de-stressing and de-plugging from devices and distractions. I need that.
Weight loss is a funny thing, isn’t it? I have often thought that what is happening on the scales reflects what is happening in my mind. When I’m losing steadily and consistently, its a sign of good emotional health. I feel generally positive and that I’m moving forward. I usually am also moving forward in my life too – work is working out, love is lovely, and I’m a happy content bunny (as content as a happy bunny can be). Its a chicken and egg thing. Is it the weight loss that is helping me me move forward in my life? or is moving forward in other areas of my life helping me to lose weight?
Then those times where the scales are going in the wrong way, creeping up and up and up, week after week. Those times were (are) tough, and I remember life being tough then too – I was generally a mess on and off the scales – I wasn’t in control of my eating habits let alone my relationship, my finances, or my work schedule
… and before I get brutally attacked and accused of having “control issues” and/or an eating disorder I used the word “controlled”with a pinch of (pink himalayan sea) salt. I have said many times before that control / discipline/ self restraint is actually a breath of fresh air for someone whom lived a “eat and do what you want when you want/ anything goes” chaotic existence. I’m aware things can get too control-freaky for some, and I’m by no means immune from that.
But strange as it is, is the place I find myself most familiar in my weight loss journey – this feeling (and being) of Staying the same. STS as we call it in the weight watcher world. When nothing is lost, but nothing is gained either. It can be as simple as staying the same the following week, or months of losing and gaining the same 3 lb (as has been my case for 3 months).
And tonight I’m finding myself thinking why. I’m past the frustrations and the irritations of it all. I’m over blaming myself.
I’m not going backwards, but i’m not really moving forward either.
…….. I feel a bit stuck.
Recently I had a heart to heart with someone from my past. It wasn’t expected, but it was a long time coming. It was a conversation I had avoided having for years, but needed to get out in the open, (preferably not in a drunken regrettable slur). I feel (kind of) better, but at least know I can firmly lay lingering regret to rest.
Im also having a conversations with my partner about our future…. and without going into all the story gory details, when you have been married for 5+ years and at the pinnacle age of 30, those big “time to settle down” questions come into play: Mortgages. Moving. babies. Careers. Goals. Its all in there. Juicy, juicy stuff.
Juicy, but scary!
But wait….. wait….. !…… Familiar is comforting.
Stay the Same…. is SAFE. Is no fly zone. is known territory. Is manageable. I know what to do here. Is a safe haven when the world is changing around me.
and it hit me tonight, that the FEAR is what is keeping me stuck in my life and in my weight loss journey. I know all those changes are coming (whether i like it or not is a whole other blog post!!!) and staying the same (weight and life wise) has been my twisted way of dealing with that fear. Fear of moving forward, of the future, of the unknown, whatever you want to call it – its enough for me to hold back, but I gotta clutch onto handlebars and just let go and let flow!
SO I think i’m ready do some serious let it go-ings (frozen style!)
Its not going to be easy, but I’m ready to embrace change, do what you will and have your wicked way with me!!! I know part of the fear of change, particularly with my weight loss journey, is that the last time I experienced a whole lot of change I gained a whole lot of weight…. but something tells me this time will be different. Again, its letting go and realising I’m NOT that person I used to be. I manage myself and my challenges differently now. That person ate her feelings, whereas this person squats her feelings at the gym!!
One thing is for sure, is that I don’t want another three, six, nine, months of gaining and losing the same 3 lb… that, guys, isn’t fun for ANYONE! Safety is actually very dissatisfying !!!
I’m starting to get excited again – getting my mojo back and belief that my goals are within reach. The first big one that i’m itching to get is my 50 lb certificate (just under a stone away). I know with commitment and focus and SELF BELIEF above all else, I can get that! My goals after that are a bonus, but I look forward to getting there and re-sizing and re-goaling as I go(al) along (awful, sorry!)
So thank you for making this far (for those of you that didn’t skip to the end pep talk to self!) I’m making no promises, other than to just acknowledge and release the fears, day by day, in all their forms. To begin to live a life of letting go of the old and embracing the new. Dare I say tonight I’m signing off, excited about what the future may bring!
Bring it on! We got this!